Hair, Hair

Never mind the whole gray versus dyed debate – what about losing hair in the places you want it and gaining hair in the places you don’t. No one told us about this phenomenon (i.e. we didn’t sign up for this).

Why can’t the hair growing in your ears just move up a little to the back of your head? Would that be so hard? You can feel your hair thinning, even hear it if you still have any hearing left, but the hair in your ears and nose just marches on, oblivious to the irony of it all.

And if you want to moan about another irony, consider the fact that the same hormone that causes baldness, dihydrotestosterone, is believed to be responsible for the increase ear and nasal hair. According to one study, 76% of women surveyed were turned off by a hair nose. Good to know, right?

Boomer women report that facial hair has become more annoying and what husband hasn’t been asked by a mate, “is there a big hair growing under my chin?” Hair growth on women’s legs may be slowing down with age, but where’s the big consolation in that?

Excessive hair, wherever it’s found, is known as hypertrichosis. Some scientists still believe it’s all passed on with the Y chromosomes, so your fate was sealed the moment you were conceived. Most aging man have ear hair that grow as much as 1 cm per month. You take a guy like Anthony Victor, who lives in India -- he has some serious ear hair. In fact, he is the Guinness World Record holder for longest ear hair at 7.12 inches. So quit your bitching!

Face it. Excessive ear and nose hair is just more proof that getting old sucks. You can use a special scissors to clip it, use your electric razor to shave it, get laser hair removal, melt it with a chemical product, or apply a depilatory cream. None of these treatments get rid of ear hair forever, so either buck up or think about going for the new Guinness World Record – how hard could it be to grow an 8 inch ear hair?

Finally, for really overactive nose hairs, the most creative solution I’ve heard so far is to grow a really bushy mustache.

Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept and at BoomSpeak. He's written a mystery novel, which therefore makes him a pre-published author.