Confessions of a Wal-Mart Greeter

I know what the training program instructed us and I know what I am thinking, and I’m here to tell you that there’s a big difference between what’s going on in my mind and what’s coming out of my mouth.

We’re supposed to epitomize the Basic Beliefs; that we respect Wal-Mart customers, that we provide superior customer service, and that we are the front-line soldiers for the company. We even have the ten-foot rule that dictates that any customer that passes within ten feet of us should be assisted in a courteous manner. Saw it all in the videotaped role-plays and training exercises.

Guess what? I’m tired of wearing a smile when some big fat assed lady wants me to be so obsequious that it makes my teeth itch. I don’t care about building rapport with the customer. Half of them are cheap-assed imbeciles that are too ignorant to know what a scam Wal-Mart is in the first place.

Sometimes I don’t even want to touch them to put a smiley face sticker on – you don’t know where they’ve been, but it doesn’t smell good. Let’s face it – I don’t think very highly of them and they don’t have much respect for me. Wouldn’t we be better off if we had a more honest relationship? Then I could tell you that your snotty-nosed kids are getting mucous all over the toys (and by the way, if you work or shop in a Wal-Mart, better keep the Purell hand sanitizer close by), that it’s customary to wear something a bit nicer than a wife-beater tee shirt when you go shopping, or that there are ways to prevent hippo breath.

You think I look stupid in this goofy vest with the smiley face and the buttons plastered all over it? Look in the mirror pal – you look just as stupid if not more so. If I took a picture of every slob who walked in here in a day, I could fill a room with photo albums.

Does Wal-Mart really have to be the place that retirees go to work and then die? Was their full-time job before this not humiliating enough that they must now end their working life inside a Wal-Mart with a phony smile on their face and fallen arches on their feet? Is that really what you want your mother and father doing in their late 60s? Well, is it?

Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept and at BoomSpeak. He's written a mystery novel, which therefore makes him a pre-published author.